Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
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Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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