My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.