I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
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Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
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the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat