I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
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I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
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As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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