whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am