So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
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I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
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Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize