hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
