You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
