My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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