you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
