so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?