I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.