im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.