i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing