she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
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The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
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The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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