You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
