Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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