How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
