After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
