I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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