I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
