I want to have your abortion
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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