The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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