Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
