you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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