I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
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i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
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When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
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