Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
