my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
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The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
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Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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