Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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