So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
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A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
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Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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