My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
even my farts smell like vagina
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
