there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions