I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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