watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!