hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out