He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!