I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday