Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
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I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
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We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.