I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed