I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.