whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT