I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."