i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
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a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
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We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award