i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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