I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
