Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
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i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
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you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.