I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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