how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There r osticjed everywhere
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."