Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.