We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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