Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
