so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
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i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
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Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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