Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my sisters under your porch take her home
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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