Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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