I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
