You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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