I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.