Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(