were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
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My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
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You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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