im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
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Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
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I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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