The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
