Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
