yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
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Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
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Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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