I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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