My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I need to calm my uterus...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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