I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
