i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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